Wormblower Talks with the

The arbiters at Maximum RocknRoll described them as “white trash who does nothing cool but attempts to be cool” and then called them “retarded pervs” that are “stupid, sloppy and most of all, boring.” Dem-o-rama labeled them “moronic.” A reviewer from the zine Horizontal Action skewered them as “one of the WORST attempts at rockin’ that I’ve ever heard” and said that their “pathetic stabs at offensiveness and REALLY horrible songs” made up a “limp dick platter that I wouldn’t even use as a cum-catcher after pulling out of your mother.” Lesser bands would curl up into a ball and flush themselves down the toilet after such a trashing. Not the mighty Coffin Cheaters. Like a crazed gorilla that’s just escaped from the zoo, feeble attacks like these break off on their tough primate hides like little tranquilizer darts. If anything it just enrages them more and makes them more dangerously unstable. These urban hillbillies laugh in the face of such mamby-pamby attempts at censure.

Yep, they’re trashy. They’re foul-mouthed, uncouth libertines in league with the devil, to be sure. But they’re also one bad-ass live band with funny lyrics about unnatural sex acts without prophylactics. And they each can devour an entire cow by themselves and they don’t even spit out the bones. Just make damn sure that you don’t come between them and their alcohol or things will turn real ugly real fast.

FUN FACTS ABOUT THE INTERVIEW:

At the time of this interview (Fall ‘00) the Coffin Cheaters were Jamie (vocals, bass), Just Bob (Gibson Flying V, backing vocals) and Matt (drums). Matt has since left the band. Your courteous Wormblower Interview Team was Jumpin’ Jimmy Fangs and Angry Aphid Peewit. This was poorly recorded amidst the din and the drunks at the King Of Clubs bar in Northeast Minneapolis. Pabst Blue Ribbon was the brand of beer abused by all.

For further study of all things Coffin Cheaters-related and for pictures of naked Satanist gals with big breasts go to: http://stinkywetpink.tripod.com
— Peewit
APHID: What other bands have you been in?
JAMEY: The last one was Flesh Drive. Before that Scrods.
APHID: Yeah, you have a Scrods tune on one of your 7 inches.
JAMEY: Yeah. Yeah we do.
APHID: How long has the Coffin Cheaters been together?
BOB: How long is it....two years?
JAMEY: Yeah, all together. Went through a lot of members.
BOB: Matt’s been with us for, what, six months.
MATT: Since like June or July....June I think.
APHID: So who’s been there since day one?
JAMEY: Actually, I’ve been trying to start it now for a while, ever since ‘97, I think. We had another drummer who never wanted to play out. We knew Matt for a while - I don’t know why we didn’t think to ask him to drum for us for as long as we did.
MATT: I’ve only been living here since February, though, so....
APHID: Where are you from?
MATT: I’ve like lived in St. Cloud my whole life.
APHID: Do you know the Midnight Evils guys?
MATT: Yeah. I know Curan and Steve - he lives up there right now still. A lot of my friends buy groceries from him.
FANGS: Does he steal them and then sell them on the streets or what? (laughter)
MATT: No. He works at Coburns on the northside.
APHID: So how many members have there been in the Coffin Cheaters?
JAMEY: I think I had two guitar players before Bob. We tried out a lot of drummers but none of ‘em called back.
APHID: Personality differences?
JAMEY: Um, not sure. It’s like one of ‘em left, just grabbed his shit and didn't even say good-bye or anything. Just kind of took off. And the rest of ‘em kinda said “this ain’t exactly what I’m into.”
APHID: Did any of them have problems with the lyrical content?
JAMEY: Yeah, I’m sure that had something to do with it. (laughs) But no one really came right out and said it.
BOB: They could probably see they weren’t gonna make any money doing music like that. (laughter)
FANGS: So you guys interested in making any money or you just doin'; it for kicks?
MATT: We’re losing a lot of money. (laughter)
FANGS: How about just breaking even. Can you live with that?
JAMEY: Yeah, that’d be nice too. But I just can’t see that happening any time soon.
FANGS: What kind of money are you putting into this - for anybody that’s interested in starting up a band?
JAMEY: Well, it was about a grand for each record, to put out.
APHID: So did you all pitch in?
BOB: It’s basically Jamey’s the one who does all that.
MATT: I wasn’t even in the band yet. I had nothing to do with it.
JAMEY: And then there’s recording cost - that’s like $250. We just went ahead and did 20 songs one day, came back and mixed them the next. Then there’s the band vehicle. You gotta have something big, so it’s quite a bit of gas. All the gas for the trips and stuff. Phone calls and stuff. It all adds up.
APHID: How do you get people in New York - bars or whatever - to want to book the Coffin Cheaters? Do you send a tape?
JAMEY: Actually, that was our easiest. We got one on Long Island and one at CBGB’s. That was like the easiest two shows to book. I didn’t even have to send them anything, I just called ‘em up.
FANGS: Where in Long Island?
JAMEY: A place called Ground Zero.
APHID: Any chance you’ll drop by and visit Merle Allin while you’re out there?
BOB: You guys got his phone number, don’t ya?
APHID: Yeah. And his new address if you want it. He just moved to Rutherford, New Jersey, if I remember right.
JAMEY: Yeah, last time we were out there we tried calling him up to come down and see our show. We asked “is Merle there” and they hung up on us. (laughter)
APHID: He’s a funny guy. When you call he answers the phone using this gruff, gravely murderer voice and once you explain who you are and what you want, he all the sudden switches to his normal Merle voice - which is very friendly, very polite. Exactly what you wouldn’t expect from GG Allin’s brother. But you guys should swing by there. It sounds like his place is amazing, like a museum of sick shit, serial killer artwork and stuff like that.
BOB: Yeah, like that picture he’s got that GG did with his fucking shit and puke and whatever else.
APHID: Exactly.
FANGS: Did you guys ever see GG when he was around here at all?
JAMEY: Nah. That was a pretty long time ago.
FANGS: Yeah, I saw him in the Entry. I’m sure it must have been his last time here. It was pretty wild shit. Sticking bottles up his ass, bootin'’ kids in the face. (laughter) It was pretty good.
APHID: By the way, the version of “Bite It You Scum” you do live is fucking awesome.
BOB: Thanks.
APHID: Yeah, I was really impressed. That must have been at the “Trashed Fest” in the Entry this summer.
FANG: We got pictures from that if you wanna see any. I didn’t take too many of you guys, unfortunately. (pause) Oh well, I need a beer - who else wants one?
APHID: Hey, speaking of that night, do you guys remember that performance art troupe or band or whatever they were that was running around naked on stage?
MATT: Yeah. I think it was the Circus Redickuless or something.
APHID: We’re trying to piece together a review of that night, but we were way too blasted to remember anything other than bits and pieces.
BOB: I had to leave half way through. I didn’t even get to see that shit.
JAMEY: Yeah, it was pretty cool.
BOB: I totally missed out.
JAMEY: Yeah. Whatever it was, it was pretty cool. That one chick pissed in a Foster’s can. That rules. (laughter)
(Coffin Cheaters begin looking at naked photos from the Trashed Fest)
BOB: They print that?
FANGS: I got ‘em done at Target. They don’t have a problem with it.
APHID: They probably don’t even look at them.
MATT: It’s all automatic.
FANGS: I think if there’s no penetration, then they don’t have a problem with it. You can print pretty much anything you want. Obviously, besides kiddie porn or anything like that. Bestiality, I suppose, you might get busted on.
APHID: That reminds me of that couple we saw on Rotten.com or whatever it was. They killed her husband and then got naked and chopped him up into little pieces and took pictures of it all.
FANGS: Right. You ever see that?
JAMEY: Oh yeah.
BOB: What is it?
FANGS: The guy’s wife was cheating on him with this friend and one night they all got hammered and then they killed him. They strangled him and then eventually they got around to chopping him up and they put his head like on a chair and stuck his dick in his mouth.
APHID: But they made sure to get naked first.
FANGS: Right. they’re all naked.
APHID: Yeah, this chick is totally nude and she looks like some young elementary school teacher - real sweet and innocent looking. Shes smiling at the camera with this mutilated cadaver laying next to her.
FANGS: It’s the greatest picture. She’s smiling and she’s got a hacksaw about halfway through his neck. (laughter) They had a friend who worked at Kmart and they figured “they’ll get ‘em through.” But, of course, they see these pictures and say “what the fuck?” and then they call the cops on ‘em.
APHID: That sounds like more than a beer buzz happening there. They must’ve gobbled some horse tranquilizers or something.
Fangs: (laughing) Yeah!
APHID: (looking at pictures of Coffin Cheaters) That is a Gibson Flying V isn’t it?
BOB: Yeah.
APHID: How old is it?
BOB: It’s an ‘84, I guess. I’ve had it for like a year now.
FANGS: (to Jamey) Your hair’s grown out a lot since then.
JAMEY: Yeah.
APHID: When was that, like late July?
FANGS: Yeah.
BOB: It was like the 31st.
APHID: I see on your website that you guys played the Java Joint Saturday night. What is that, like a little Foxfire type place?
BOB: Yeah. A little coffee shop. It’s a good place. It was better when they used to serve beer.
APHID: They served beer at a coffee joint?
MATT: Yeah. Beer and wine. Good beer, too.
APHID: Where is it?
MATT: It’s in St. Cloud, on St. Germain in downtown St. Cloud. That’s how I met these guys, cuz I was like a 16 year old kid that used to go to the Java Joint and go to the shows and see ‘em play and stuff.
FANGS: How many shows do you play a month?
JAMEY: It kind of varies. Sometimes it’s every weekend, sometimes it’s twice a week.
FANGS: Do they pay you at all or is it the old syndrome where there’s so many bands that it’s almost like you have to pay to play these places?
JAMEY: Well, it’s getting a little bit better. We usually get the cover anyway. It’s pretty good. Especially if you’re playing with a big band like Boris the Sprinkler.
APHID: You guys played with Boris the Sprinkler? How was Reverend Norb?
JAMEY: He was pretty cool. He was talking about like molesting 8 year old girls, stuff like that.
APHID: He was kidding, I trust. Hey, speaking of Rev. Norb, I saw your reviews in Maximum Rocknroll and Punk Planet. What did you guys think of them?
JAMEY: I thought they were pretty funny.
FANGS: What’d they say? I never saw them.
APHID: One of them compared you to Tesco Vee and the Dwarves. That’s pretty cool.
JAMEY: Yeah. Punk Planet. That was pretty cool.
APHID: They said that at first they checked to see if you guys were a Meatmen side project, didn’t they?
BOB: Yeah. That’s like one of the highest compliments you can get. Have you read that review we got in Horizontal Action?
APHID: Yeah, I just picked up that issue, actually.
BOB: That’s a good one.
JAMEY: That’s our best one. They didn’t leave anything out.
APHID: I have a question: what steered you guys away from the lucrative rap/metal industry that’s spawned bands like Limp Bizkit and Kid Rock?
JAMEY: Um, cuz I hate it. (laughter)
BOB: I was going to say that, too. I never got into rap much.
JAMEY: Yeah, rap’s bad enough on its own, so I don’t think it should be mixed with metal.
BOB: Oh come on. Don’t say that. Have Matt say it. (laughs)
JAMEY: I’ll say it again, goddammit!
MATT: You like that “Shake It Like A White Girl.”
JAMEY: Oh yeah. It’s probably the only rap song I’ve ever listened to.
APHID: You telling me you guys don’t like the Fat Boys?
MATT: I like the Fat Boys. It was a sad day when the Beat Box died.
APHID: Yep. The Human Beat Box ruled. The Ox that Rocks.
MATT: Have you heard Rahzel at all?
FANGS: From the Roots?
MATT: I don’t know.
FANGS: I think he’s from the Roots. Or he used to be.
MATT: He’s like the ultimate Human Beat Box. I heard this CD where he was singing this song, like singing really, really well and beat boxing at the same time. It sounded really cool.
FANGS: So who drinks the most beer in the band?
APHID: Now we’re getting to the important stuff.
JAMEY: It’s gotta be me.
MATT: Bob’s the one that throws up the most. (laughter)
FANGS: What’s your weapon of choice?
BOB: I don’t really care. Any kind of beer will do. I usually like Premium or Pabst.
APHID: I’m glad you didn’t say Budweiser. Not there’s necessarily anything wrong with Budweiser. But too many people are locked into this Budweiser mindset and there are a lot of cheap beers that taste better, so I’m starting a campaign against Bud.
BOB: It’s those shots of Jagermeister that’ll do me in.
FANGS: Yeah, that’ll kill you.
MATT: What is it? Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. Beer before liquor, you’ll just get sicker.
APHID: How come I can never remember that? You know, it’d be cool if you guys could get sick during this interview. (laughter)
FANGS: All right, so who are some of your favorite porn stars?
JAMEY: I think my all-time favorite was Viper.
FANGS: She was about six, eight years ago?
JAMEY: Yeah. I haven’t seen anything from her in a while.
APHID: Your lyrics make it sound like you guys like would probably be Max Hardcore fans.
JAMEY: I think I’ve only seen one.
FANGS: Max is a riot.
APHID: Yeah, but he’s a nitwit. I mean, he’s kind of funny.
BOB: He’s funny to watch, but I don’t think his pornos are anything to jack off to, that’s for sure.

WB NOTE: You can listen to Coffin Cheaters ditties on our MP3 page.