T R Miller: The Imaginary Interview By Wim Boyler   At the end of Interview #5, it was revealed that TR Miller (Cartoonist) would no longer be the subject of our ongoing interview. After flip-flopping on whether to continue or not — many times over — he ultimately decided to end all contact with the interviewer (Wim Boyler) and WormBlower magazine.   Boyler had expressed his frustration with Miller; how Miller avoided important questions and increasingly supplied very pat, unimaginative answers, as if assuming these were responses that the interviewer expected. Perhaps TR was aware of these undercurrents and, rather than risking revealing anything of real importance, decided to "pull the plug." So many questions remained. And it was only too apparent that Miller himself would never answer anything of importance (unless by accident).     So we now present a totally imaginary interview between WB and TRM. The list of questions are the actual questions that Boyler had mailed to Miller (which were never answered). What follows is totally fabricated, based on assumptions and guesswork. In some ways, though, it truly IS the finest TR Miller interview ever conducted…     WB: How old is Luhey? Have you had him since he was a puppy? Do Luhey and Willy (Miller's other dog) ever get in fights with each other?   T.R. Miller: How old is Luhey? Well I'm glad you asked me that question. Luhey was born in Atlantis, over 30,000 years ago. So that would make him...about 30,000 years old. I don't have a calculator with me. He was not an Apso-Lapso then because there were no Lapso-Apso's in Atlantis. I think he was a moon dog who could fly. Luhey loves everyone. He would never fight!   WB: What animal, bird, or other creature scares you the most. Why? Do you have any phobias?   TR: Well....that would be bats. They really scare me and Luhey. I think it's because bats suck blood and not very nice. They fly toward your head and make everyone scream. Sharp knives scare me too. They can make you want to cut up things in grand style! But I really don't want to talk about this anymore.   WB: OK. What is your favorite movie of all time? Which movie have you seen the most times?   TR: "Free Willy" is my favorite movie. I have seen it maybe 200 or 300 times because I have the video! I have seen "A Clockwork Orange" about 30 times but I don't understand it too good and that is why I have viewed it so many times! Ask me another question, Wim.   WB: Sure, T.R. What is the weirdest thing you've ever seen ? Have you ever seen a UFO (flying saucer)?   TR: Oh....I don't know....(T.R. squirms in his wicker chair and starts blowing puffs of air out of his mouth, closing his eyes. Tiny beads of sweat form on his brow and he starts chewing on one of Luhey's nearby rawhide toys). I can't....   WB: Come ON, goddamn it! I've had to sit through all your freakin' temper tantrums and your goddamn bullshit! I'm gonna kick your ASS , you dumb shit! (Boyler leans forward and smacks Miller upside the head, then kicks T.R onto the threadbare oriental rug. Miller starts crying and Luhey runs up from behind him and starts barking madly).   Answer my questions or I'm gonna kick your ass again! And throw your pathetic, hat-wearing dog against the f'in' WALL!   TR: No, no PLEASE! (He sobs a bit more, keeping his crossed hands up in front of his face, as if to protect himself from further violence.) OK, you win, Wim. I'll tell you....everything you need to know. But don't hurt me anymore. And Luhey never did nothin' to you that was bad...(Pouting, he composes himself, righting the furniture and sits down again, noisely sipping from a straw protruding out of a can of Fresca. His face is blotchy and reddened from crying).   OK. You asked me what is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. There are some things I can tell you. One is my step dad Don without his clothes on. Or when he tries on my mom's dresses. One is when Luhey gets excited and his hot dog thing starts coming out of that tube underneath him when I play with him in the den. That is weird and I don't know what that is. But, no, there is something even weirder than even I can remember. Luhey is not just a dog. Willy is but Luhey isn't. Sometimes in the middle of the night when I'm sleeping, Luhey comes into my room and he has green skin and he isn't touching the ground and he shows me things. Like Grandma Moses when she is in the bathtub with no clothes on! And then....he makes me draw 'toons until my fingers are sore. When I wake up in the morning there is a huge pile of Luhey 'toons that I mail out to all the 'zines of the small press network. In grand style.   WB: What about the UFO's? And aliens? You must know all about them.   TR: Oh, I've known all about them since I was a baby. My mom told me that I was only 3 months old when they took me for the first time. I don't like it too much. Sometime Luhey is with them, on the ship and he is telling those little people what they should do to me. Remember when I told you that I've never had sex with people? Well, I haven't, at least not with the people who live on the planet which is our earth! At least I don't think so. My step dad Don said that I never did. But the space saucer people really like me and I like them when they don't hurt me. Those are some of the people who I put my tongue in their mouth and they put theirs in mine. But it's different from here. And there are the big, spinning things called "probes" that they can use with great style. And many other fascinatin' things! (His eyes glow and he smiles broadly, his eyes roll up).   WB: Well, TR, that really is fascinatin!' The editor of WB asked me to have you create a Luhey 'toon just for our magazine. Would you do a 'toon of Luhey flying around in a UFO with some martians or something like that? We'd really appreciate it!   TR: Sure! Tell your editor, Mr. Peewit, that I'd be honored to be the featured cartoonist in his small press publication!   WB: OK. Thanks. Do you have to clean up Luhey's dog doo when he "does his job" out in the backyard? Or does someone else do that?   TR: I don't think that Luhey ever dukies anymore. When he was, when I was little, I remember he did it one or two times. But when there is some doggone doggy doo in the yard it is because my pooch Willy does it. Or -Um-PaPa. And my mom cleans it all up in grand style! Once I thought that a piece of dukie was a Tootsie roll. Wow!   WB: If you won the New Jersey lottery and suddenly had 15 million dollars, what would you buy? Let's say that you couldn't save it or put it in the bank but had to spend it in 2 months.   TR: Ohh.... I would spend it in grand style! First, I would buy my mom and my step dad Don a whole new house full of brand new furniture; beds and couches and everything! Luhey would have his own kitchen with all the dog treats that you can buy from all the fancy stores! And he would have his own servants who would be other dogs!   WB: You would still have a lot of money left over. What else would you get?   TR: Um, I would buy all the paper and all the black magic markers in the world. I would buy all the factories that make all the paper and all the black magic markers in the world. I would buy Luhey a mink stole! And Willy too! I would buy up all the cartoons in the world (except mine) and throw them away. I would buy all the newspapers and magazines and all the small press networks in the entire world and then I would be the most popular and well-loved cartoonist of all time! And I would even buy all the paintings that Grandma Moses ever painted and put them in my bedroom to look at. And the Mona Lisa. How's that?   WB: If you had not become a well-loved cartoonist, what would have been your second choice as a career?   TR: (TR seems extremely perplexed; his face becomes drawn and slack. His eyes dart rapidly, from side to side and his voice quavers). As to your asking me what I would do, I would be.... maybe a doctor so I could help lots of sick people live. But Luhey is better than a doctor because he makes everyone smile and laugh!!!! Maybe I would get a job somewhere else like at the drug store making delicious malted milk drinks!   WB: What is your favorite color? What is Luhey's?   TR: My favorite color is purple because I like it! Luhey's favorite color is orange, because it reminds him of pumpkins and Halloween! Willy's favorite color is green because he likes St. Patrick's Day and green looks like the grass that he likes to run on! My mom's favorite color is yellow; it's her most elegant, fashionable dress! My step dad Don's favorite color is red because it is the color of his favorite, zesty spaghetti sauce! Um-PA-PA's favorite color used to be brown now it is black but I don't know why!   WB: Do you ever put any clothes on Luhey? Do you and Luhey have any matching outfits that you wear when you take him out for walks?   TR: Luhey doesn't like to wear clothes and I don't either. But I have to wear them but Luhey doesn't. That's why he doesn't wear them in the 'toons!!!! When I get a bath, we're both not wearing the same clothes too!!!! We have some clothes that are the same that we wear when we go to church on Easter. It is so grand; we are truly dapper gents! We wear tan suit coats and tan pants that look the same! We have black grown up hats that we wear. Luhey's hat has elastic that goes around his chin to keep it on his head! And so does mine. And we wear a flamboyant flower corsage for good measure! When people see us going to St. Mark's they remark about how debonair and strapping we are and even take our pictures! We've been featured in the "Milltown Weekly News" four times! TR Miller and his Easter Pooch! Amazin'!   WB: Well it's been wonderful talking to you T.R. Before I end this last interview, I have a final, important question for you--and for Luhey. Do you believe in God? What are some of your ideas about God and the true nature of our Universe? Farewell, you funky 'toonist! Give my regards to your cousin Patty and tell her I think she's really hot. Can I have her phone number?   TR: You are truly an honorable editor from the small press network. Luhey will miss you. First, as you asked me about what I believe in God, I will tell you. It is a difficult question. But I think that God comes to us through different ways. When I told you before about what Luhey does, I think that Luhey is God. He makes me do things that I don't want to do. He makes my mom, my step dad Don and my cousin Patty do things too and that is why I still live at home even though I'm quite a mature cartoonist gent. He is even there on the flying saucers telling those little people what to do too. So, he is everywhere and he can do anything. That is why I do the Luhey 'toons and send them to everyone, so they can know what Luhey wants them to do. And see what He looks like. Luhey thinks that Um-PA-PA is God. Luhey likes to eat dog treats and he likes to roll around on top of dead fish at the beach. Luhey wishes he could talk so that he could tell us how we can go to Heaven after we die. And he wants everyone to enjoy his seasonal and holiday theme Luhey 'toons!!!! Forever. And I wish all your stylish, elegant readers a charming and magnificent Christmas and a fabulous, old fashioned New Year's and a zesty Saint Patrick's Day too! And now I am going back into my room where I draw my 'toons and hardly ever come out. Don't try to call me, OK?   P S My cousin Patty's phone number is this: 732 247-1655. She is quite a zesty, saucy gal!